DISCLAIMER: I might offend some of you I'm sorry. Imagine if you were 18-21 writing to "yourself." I was one of those kids that finished a lot of his sentences with "and shit." I don't mean any harm by anything I say, this was written all in good fun. I am not going to be leaving a lot out, I am aware this will make my parents and friends cringe but this is what I have always wanted to do. I want to make people laugh even if its at the expense of my own dignity. I hope someday this will all become something big.
August 2010 (Days before Freshman Move-in)(My Life and High School Past)
Here is my attempt at writing a "memoir" I told myself i wouldn't call it my "journal" because that sounds "gay". The horrible part was I just wrote that sentence without realizing that will be my first sentence. It just seems that everyone is offended by everything these days and everything is "politically incorrect." What happened to being able to say something without everyone analyzing it. If you get offended by stuff like that i apologize in advance. This was written by an unintelligent 18 year old with a limited vocabulary imagine your 18 old self trying to write without swearing or offending someone. If you are one of those uptight grammar pricks I suggest you close this now and go read your new Writer's Digest. My grammar sucks I know. So fuck you. Just kidding I love you guys for actually reading this and I appreciate you guys making it this far.
Any fucking way never in a million years would I have thought that I would actually be writing for "pleasure" considering I think I passed English class senior year with a solid C-, I have always hated reading and writing and all that came with it. Writing might be a close first for "Things that wont get you laid." I don’t have an interesting story about me overcoming the odds or living in the ghetto and making something out of myself. But my goal is to write everyday of college and share my experience and if i can get some laughs ill be happy. I usually have these ideas that sound good then I realize I'm just an idiot.
One day when i was cutting the grass weeks before college and randomly I just thought about the idea about writing about my "real college" experience without all the stereotypical college bullshit. Normally when I have an idea I am obsessed with it for a day then I usually masturbate and forget all about it, but this time this idea was all I was thinking about. I have always loved to make people laugh, even if it was at the expense of my own dignity. Most people get these ideas of what college is like through Hollywood movies and i wanted to share my first hand experience. I'm just an average guy with an average sized penis who doesn’t have anything fuckin special about him
First I probably should give you readers a little background on me. I was born in Richmond Virginia and was raised by two lovely parents....oh yeah wait you probably don’t give a shit because I really don’t either and I don’t want one of those cornball introductions. After i was born and slid out my mother into this wonderful world. When i was one we moved to my parents current house in Indiana, and I fuckin have been in Indiana all my life. Indiana is always where i have called home but Im pretty sick of it here. All the stuck up dicks and all. I reside in this upscale suburbia. Everyone i grew up with through school was well off and most of us didnt realize it growing up. It was always about "needing" something and not just being happy with what you have. Its amazing how in this country it is so hard to be " genuinely happy" despite all we are blessed with.
I grew up with shitty mediocre weather in the middle of bumfuck Indiana. I lived in one of those fairly wealthy communities growing up where you are always seeing shrimp dick assholes driving their bmws and Mercedes around town. I guess that is what you get when you live in like the 20 something best community in the nation. The cops really dont have to do much, there are probably around 120 cops here , and they just get paid to drive around harassing teenagers and giving people speeding tickets. Im pretty sure they just watch Netflix all day.
Pretty much everything fun here is illegal unless you are rich and living on the lake. It is not even a fuckin lake actually pretty much a giant hole with the water quality similar to Mexico, but people call it a Reservoir. All the rich bastards live on it, and take their boats out and drink and do whatever the hell they want, Pretty much the fuckin life. I feel bad for the people that work their asses off day and day, and don’t have shit to show. My girlfriend Katie (For obvious reasons Im not going to use real names) which is the only serious relationship I have had up to this point, gets money HANDED to her. Literally her grandpa gives her hundred dollar bills daily for not doing a damn thing then she acts like she "earned it." The dude is loaded, he owns some concrete company here in the Midwest. The world is unfair what can I say but bitchin isn’t gonna make it better, well I like to bitch, but it doesn’t help. I'm a complainer if you haven’t noticed already, I apologize in advance.
Anyway I went to high school these past four years and pretty much hated it but I'm not gonna lie high school is one of those things you hate until you're out of it then you wish you could go back to when life was simpler. When you're in high school everything is new to you. The smallest things could make your day. Something as small as your parents leaving the house for 2 hours so you could masturbate with the sound on could make your day. I met some people that I will probably always be friends with. It was the normal high school with all the stupid cliques and noodledicks. I think there actually was a group of maybe 35-40 popular people in my class and they all knew each other, and they all dated each other. It was like some rich kid orgy, It seemed like they only could date other people in other grades and schools if they were a somebody too. It was always the same people hanging out with each other and it was the same drama. Yet most of us wanted to be them. To no surprise they all ended up going to the same schools. To be honest 90% of my graduation class probably doesn't even know who the fuck I am which is sad considering I was in the school district since kindergarten. It was a safe school I give you that much, I didn't have to worry about my skinny white ass getting jumped. But my high school was run by the usual bureaucrat assholes that didn't know anything about running a school. The problem with this world are people do only things to better themselves and put money in their pocket. All they cared about was getting the stupid blue ribbon award that they got like ten years ago because they were lucky, and now they are obsessed with getting it again.
I probably shouldn't talk since Im sitting here writing for fuck sake. Like everyone I actually do have dreams even though it doesn’t seem like it. I dream of making my parents proud, yeah I know every damn kid says that, but its true. I just want to make something of myself and pay them back for all they have done. Everyone has that "fuck up" in the family and thats me. They always have been there for me, and I really have no way in thanking them. I was never a "bad kid" luckily i was raised well and always had a line drew. Like most teenagers I just had my fair share of fuck ups. I dont know know what it is, but every kid has those times where you ask yourself after "WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?" For instance when I went to Florida with one of my best friends and his family I got arrested. Yeah some people might be thinking, that's badass you got arrested! No not after you hear the story. Lets start off with a quick story so you can picture my comical life.
My friend John and I were walking around the hotel during spring break bored because we had nothing to do. Some people might be thinking, How were you bored in florida? Well let me fuckin tell you, we were in Navarre Beach with John’s family, the place is basically a waste of space in the middle of bumfuck egypt. It shouldn't even be considered Florida. It gives Florida a bad name. There is nothing to do there, the only thing in a 3 mile radius was a gas station. Its like one of those retirement type of resorts. I probably should have just stayed home but I dont know what it was but in high school it was such a big deal to go on spring break with your friends family.
Since John's parents are the type that find visiting museums amusing John and I would walk around the hotel daily with hopes of finding some attractive girls but to be honest there weren't many around that part of florida. We had no alcohol besides the 2 water bottles of shit vodka that we brought from home. Us being dumbass high schoolers thought 2 water bottles would be enough so the break was spent trying to make that last. One night we took a couple shots in our room and walked around aimlessly like every night. We saw a decent looking girl, but she was with her friends family, and her friends family was all ugly so really who cares about them. That didn’t stop me and john from trying to flirt with the hot one. When i say flirt, picture the way you flirted in high school. We later found out she was only 14 at the time and we were both juniors. Yeah I know what you were thinking. You fuckin pedophiles, you can all suck a chode, because I was 17 at the time but on the other hand john was 18, so hes the fuckin pedo. It wasnt our fault 12 year olds look like 20 year olds now.
One night me and john met up with the girl and her ugly friend and the ugly friend’s gay brother who I will name Fuckwad for now. Hes a key character in the story, Just picture the type of kid who takes mirror pictures and wears a hat that says "Swag." Hes that type of kid. Anyway they started ding dong ditching peoples hotel rooms, but whatever I was fuckin bored so we followed them around “Fuckwad ” opened a door to a trash cute and realized that the door hinge could be ripped off, so he opened the door as hard as he could and he ripped the hinge off the door. I don’t know what the fuck to call it, basically it is the metal arm thing for the door. He started ripping them off, and I started to do some because i was drunk. When i say "drunk" i mean drunk in high school standards so probably around 2 shots deep. There was a trash chute door on every floor so there were a lot. Yeah I wish I could say I was making this up but its true. Fuckin sad I know. He threw one of the metal rods off the balcony and it hit the ground, and supposively throwing shit off a balcony is a felony. Who knew? Someone heard it hit the ground and called the police, so the police showed up and questioned everyone around the hotel.
We decided to leave and find somewhere to lay low when some fuckbag wearing a pink polo who was trying to act hard approached us and asked if we were ding dong ditching and breaking shit, and one of the dumbass girls says “No man, we weren't doing it in that building, we were doing it in another.” She thought by saying it was a different building would be smart. The kid then said we better fess up to the cops or he was going to “crack some skulls” I still remember what that little prick said. So we decided to hide down by the beach and wait until the cops left. But we got bored so we started walking to the only attraction in the town, the gas station. As we were walking to the gas station the cops were pulling away and they saw us and pulled over and questioned us and they said they had noticed doors were broken too, besides someone throwing a metal rod off the balcony.
Supposively they got a hint that a red head was with a bunch of kids that were suspected in doin this stupid shit. That ginger was john. We all got questioned and for the people out there who have never been in trouble with the cops. Cops like to pull everyone over to the side and talk to you one on one and act like they know the story, and try to get you to snitch on each other and see if everyone's story matches and rarely do they ever. We all had different stories, so they knew we were lying. I told them it was “fuckwad” and so did john. We later found out if we all kept our mouths shut and said we didn’t know anything we could of gotten away because they had no actual proof. I swear I got shitty luck, the police were leaving and they saw us walking to the gas station , we should have stayed on the beach. We of course all got questioned and “fuckwad” the stupid prick that he was folded and snitched on me and said I was breakin the doors, when in reality it was mostly him.
His younger sister got arrested too and we all 3 were cuffed and piled into the back seat. I remember dozing off in the back seat on the 30 minute ride to the jail as i listened to the 2 cops talk about Disney World. We arrived at the jail and I was put in a holding cell with “fuckwad.” By the time we got there it was like 3 am, and I was beat like Justin Bieber's meat, so I tried to go to sleep. So there I was sitting in a holding cell somewhere in Florida trying to fall asleep on a concrete slab with no fuckin blankets, but i guess its not the holiday inn.
Any fucking way I made fuckwad sleep on the ground, I know I don’t know what me and john were doin with these dousche nuts, They should have been at chuckie cheeses or getting breast fed. The whole time during the night, the kid was crying for his mommy and saying he missed her. The kid was a pussy. The cops ended up calling my parents back in Indiana and they were fuckin pissed as you can imagine. I never actually thought in a million years I would have been sitting in jail but i guess no one ever thinks it could happen to them. I had to end up paying 3000 dollars for a lawyer to get me outta the shit and I didn’t even get laid. You might think im making this shit up, but im not. How can you make up a stupid story like that. It was so fuckin stupid, I don’t even tell anyone it just sounds fuckin stupid. “What did you go to jail for?.” Broke a door hinge.
Let me tell you it took a shitload of time to pay that off working for minimum wage. All through high school I worked different shitty jobs, that all sucked. My first real job was bussing tables and to say the least, it was pretty fuckin shitty. But what do you expect for your first job. Surprisingly I actually worked there for a year. Woopty fuckin tap dancing doo. I actually quit because I thought I found a better job, keyword thought. It was another bus boy job. Yeah I know right. Basically restaurant jobs are always hiring because everyone fuckin hates them. It was a brand new upscale restaurant in an outdoor mall. I met a couple cool people there but not many. For some reason everyone there was mostly stuck up and thought they thought their shit didn’t stink. Which is funny because that place fuckin blew a dogs dick. The manager at the time was a coke addict and he was a complete dickweed.
I met one close friend working there, a gay guy named Jason you know that guy that every teenager has that will buy him alcohol. He even let me ship my Fleshlight that i bought in high school to his house. Yeah i was a proud owner of a Fleshlight. Before meeting Jason I looked at gay people a lot differently then i do now. He was the coolest guy i had probably ever met. Face it if gay guys liked girls, they would getting more pussy then all us with their fashion and their outgoing personalities. I later got fired from that hellhole because I supposively didn’t have a good attitude. Which you probably can kinda understand because I was always cussing and complaining as usual but still. How the fuck are you suppose to have a good attitude when you are cleaning shit off tables? Its fuckin degrading and at times people have no respect. After that adventure I found my self working at another shithole restaurant. They were opening a new restaurant and I decided to apply because I was desperate. It was by the new outdoor mall by my old job. This was the only fast food place in the area at the time and it was right off the highway, close to a concert hall, and close to a mall. To this day I think it is one of the busiest fast food restaurants in Indiana, if that says much. We would bring in 6 grand a day and I would get my shitty minimum wage pay. At first I really didn’t wanna work at another restaurant because I wanted to get out of the restaurant bizz, but I couldn’t find anything else. Fuck the economy. I actually met a school teacher there that had gotten laid off and being an assistant manager was the only thing he could find to support his family. He was a real cool guy, Its sad to think that this is what is going on in the world.
I met a lot of interesting people during my days there. The thing is in the fast food business, people are always coming and going. People don’t stay around long and the people that do work there are quite the fuckin characters. They all have their own story of how they got there and usually it begins with dropping out of high school. One guy i met was a real cool black guy named Trey, we would go into his car during work and hotbox inside of his car and then run back inside. Thanks to him I saw my first gun fired. He was bored and wanted to shoot his new gun one night at work. So he went out to the dumpster and shot it into the air. Yeah it was pretty dumb if you think about it, but I thought it was cool. He was a straight thug that always told me about him robbing stores with his friends, kicking in doors with AK 47s and shotguns. He was probably just talking out his ass but I still thought he was pretty scary. We actually became pretty good friends though. He later walked out and quit because he couldn’t stand the place anymore, I didn’t blame him. The hours were long and hard. People might say, fuckin workin at fast food restaurants isn't hard. But trust me. Its harder then you think. Basically I just got paid to take a pounding from rich peckerwoods all day. There were a lot of interesting nights at work because we were located by a concert hall, people would always come in drunk after a concert. One time we even caught lesbians having sex in the bathroom. Some might be saying, thats hot but no they were some ugly dykes. I ended up working there surprisingly a year. I started workin for 7.25 a hour and left making 7.30 a hour. I wont bash the place too much because I may be crawling back in hopes of getting my old job back with this economy.